The only way the pattern was going to stop was if I stopped it. I did a lot of soul searching...crying, begging, pleading, whining, bargaining, "why me" -ing...and came to the conclusion that I was not ready to date. In fact, I NEEDED to NOT date. Another pattern I had found is that I had always...I mean from the very first boyfriend in elementary school...leaped from one relationship to the next!
Now wait a minute! I did not say I am a cheater or ever was nor did I say I slept with everyone of them...it was elementary school! I did, however, generally speaking, have not but a matter of a couple of months...TOPS...from the end of one relationship to the beginning of the next. I could not remember ever having gone one solitary year having stayed single. As a result...this realization hit VERY hard...I had no real idea who I was...ME...Heather...
How could I not know who I was as an individual? Here I was 32 years old, mother of two kids, married & divorced 3 times, college graduate, career woman...but who am I? This was a question that had to be answered before I would be ready to date again. I couldn't be any good to another person...I couldn't truly give myself if I didn't know who myself was...that doesn't sound quite right.
That year was full of a lot of ups and downs...in fact the next two years would be so full of health problems with my daughter, behavior issues with my son, bullies to my son, a near miss with my daughter and a boy *gritting teeth tightly*...I found myself at the end of the year last year in a conversation with...wait for it...a guy! We were exchanging how long we had been single. I had initially said almost three years, then after some thought, I realized it was nearly FOUR years! So much had happened during those three years that I missed a year! It was my new job. I spent so much time training and trying to learn my job, settle my kids into a new home & school, still dealing with behavior problems with my son that I lost a whole year!
Did I really go three years not dating anyone...at all?! No. I gave it a go a few times. I met a couple of really great guys. For whatever reason, it just didn't work out between us. We remain friends, but speak rarely. I met more than my share of creepers. During that first year of my strict "no dating" rule, I turned down a couple of guys who had asked me out. One got incredibly upset and took the whole thing personal and there went the name calling and accusations...I'll let you fill in those blanks!
Mostly I talked with a lot of guys...yes, talked...conversations....some really great conversations...then...after a week or two....nothing! No "I don't really feel an attraction;" no "I have an interest in someone else;" no "goodbye, have a nice life." NOTHING! They just stopped talking to me. WTH! Right?!